Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Get ON The Van

Reality #1 of being in a touring band is that you spend more of your time in a moving vehicle than you do at rest. Idle time can be really poisonous if you don't find ways to engage with the immobility. There are equal threats to your mind and body. If there was an intellectual version of Deep Vein Thrombosis i'm sure i've suffered through it more than once. So what is the answer to the still within the motion. Air Drumming comes to mind but I think the 365 degree exhaustion that follows (yours and anyone who has to share a car with you) probably isn't worth it.

Life on the road can mean a lot of things to a lot of people - reflection, excess, pain, joy, pleasure, and despair - but most of all it means sitting down in the same position for hours on end feeling the blood pool in your feet. Switches in posture usually produce a few minutes of human geometric relief, but once you realize you weren't meant to have your feet above your head for 8 hours at a time, or that balancing your entire body weight on one elbow makes for a sore back and shoulders, you're back to square one.

On our most recent tour of the West Coast of the United States we had some long drives to contend with. Here are a few things you can do in and out of the van, in or out of motion, with a fairly high amount of respect for the personal space of your travel-mates. If you're shy about working out in fast food parking lots or beside a flowing gas pump then you might have a bit of trouble getting started (i'm not exactly the best, believe me). However, if you're willing to stamp out lethargy with a small amount of embarrassment that will actually do your mind and body some good, then dive in.

This will be divided into two parts: those things that you can do while the van is moving, and those things that you can do when everyone else is off peeing and getting snacks. Of course, if this was your routine or something, this would probably take about 20 minutes or more, so you'd better hope the lineup at Iron Skillet is long, or that McDicks is having trouble with the deep fryer.

Here's my VAN WORKOUT:

1 - Stasis in Spaces

i) Push/Lift - This is stolen from Charles Bronson's book "Solitary Fitness" which is a great resource for exercises that mostly involve just your body and a sparse surrounding. Put the lower palm of your right hand over the top of your wrist on your left hand. If you're sitting down, your hands should be between your legs, parallel with your belt buckle (ish). Lift as hard as you can with your left, and push as hard as you can with your right. Hold for 10-15 seconds and do the opposite (lef ton top, right on bottom). 3 sets each direction. This will activate your back, chest, arms, and some abs.

ii) Make the Candle Flicker - Also a rework from Bronson's book, this involves long exhales focused on a single spot. This is also a helpful exercise for anyone who might be a singer or plays a wind instrument -- but for our purposes it's all about your abs. Either looking upwards toward the ceiling of the van, or straight ahead to the back of the seat in front of you (try not to exhale all over whoever is driving), take a deep breath and make the exhale into single concentrated stream that hits one spot. Use your stomach to push the air, and not your throat. In close enough quarters, put a tissue against the surface you're breathing against and hold it there as long as possible. Increase the weight/ply of tissue (or even go for cotton) for a tougher workout. Also can be done with a candle across a table.

iii) Hot Seat - This is maybe the most embarrassing to admit since no one will ever look at you the same in a car after you own up to doing this. Also it involves this: Flex each of your ass checks - left, right, left, right, left, right - for as many reps as you can stand.

iv) Pedals - Balancing on your ass and keeping your back straight, lift both your feet off the ground and make a pedaling motion. This is generally good for balance, stomach, and legs. Start by using your hands for balance -- this will just work your lower half/stomach -- and then try and do it upright without holding on to anything.


2 - Bumper Olympics

i) Incline Push Ups - Feet on the bumper, hands on the tarmac. Incline pushups off the back of the van.
ii) Inverted Rows - Head under the bumper, feet straight out, hands on top of the bumper. Pull yourself up while keeping your body straight and stiff. Movements will be slight, since you don't want to go face first into the undercarriage, but this leaves room for control.
iii) Box Jumps - Only do this if you trust your van's suspension. Stand a short distance away from the back bumper, and leap up, both feet at once, and land on the bumper with your toes. Balancing on the thin rail will make you use different muscles to balance than if you would on a regular box. Since bumpers are not very high, this exercise is limited, so try and do high reps, quickly. Try not to set the car alarm off.
iv) Dips - Feet straight out, hands facing forward on the bumper with your back to the van. Lower and raise like you would on a regular dip.


byebye

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